Just the other day, my wife was talking about a fellow girlfriend in a dilemma.  ”She thinks Joe is a great guy, but she just views him as a friend.  She isn’t attracted to him romantically, but he really likes her!”

Now, in my thirty brief years on this planet, I’ve heard that complaint an incredible amount.  I hear it all the time from Christian single women, many of whom also complain that there are “no good men” around or that no men ask them out.  Guy likes girl.  Girl just think guy is nice.  What should girl do?

How about giving the guy a chance?  Go out with him a few times.  You never know: he just might “grow” on you!  Seriously, what does a Christian single woman have to lose?  If, after a few outings, you find things haven’t changed, you can (tactfully!) move on.  As long as you are clear with your communication (and there’s no need to have a deep “DTR” to accomplish that), any accusation that you led him on won’t stick.

This gives your feelings a chance to develop.  A common phenomenon with many women–including Christian single women–is this: the woman lets her immediate “gut” feeling dictate how she thinks of the man.  What many do not pause to ask is: “is that emotion a reliable gauge?”  They should ask that, though.  Some men have excellent qualities that make them great “catches,” but these qualities might not be apparent the first time your emotions size them up.

Also, Christian single women, keep in mind that feelings for a person can develop.  Once you get to know a guy and spend some quality time with him, you could very well find that you are suddenly attracted to him.  This isn’t restricted to women: it’s happened to me quite a few times.  Before I was married, I dated a few women that I did not find attractive at all the first time I met them.  After getting to know them over a few months, however, I became quite attracted to them.

In the case of my wife’s friend, the man interested in her will make an astoundingly captivating husband.  What’s more, my wife’s friend–an attractive, enterprising, Jesus-loving Christian single woman with a great sense of humor–will make an awesome wife.  They’re a good match, but as of now, it probably won’t happen because she’s not going to give him a chance.  I don’t know what’s going on inside her head–she rarely gets asked out, yet here’s this stud taking interest in her, and her reaction is, “meh.”

Are there exceptions to this?  Of course!  You want to have a few things that are non-negotiables.  Is he a disciple of Christ (not just a pew dweller) who takes his apprenticeship to Jesus seriously?  Is he at least moving towards a career or vocation?  Does he have a servant’s heart?  Is he responsible with his time and finances?  Does he boldly stand up for truth and the disadvantaged?  Can he carry on a conversation?  It’s true that you can’t get an answer to most of these without spending time with him.  My point is that it’s not like you should say “yes” to every self-proclaimed Christian you meet in a chat room.  Many well meaning Christian single women get hooked into bad relationships because they “threw caution to the wind” in crucial areas.

Be discerning, but be open to finding “diamonds in the rough.”

Rich Bordner lives in Southern California with his better half Ezichi. His primary occupation is that of husband. In his spare time, he is a high school English teacher and head wrestling coach. Did this post make you think? Then go over to The Pugnacious Irishman where you can read his daily posts on spirituality, culture, and ethics.

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Few Christian single men (and women!) question that passive stance, but they should.  No one in their right mind, after all, would advise that sort of passivity for *anything else* worth having.  Whether it is finding a job, a place to live, a church, food, or a group of friends, the advice is almost always to get out be proactive.  Why should it be any different with dating?  Sure, someone can go overboard and try too hard, but there is such a thing as being active while waiting on God.

How can Christian single men (women are another post for another time, though there is some overlap) pursue relationships in a way that’s God-honoring?  This is a huge topic, but a few things to keep in mind are:

1) Pray for your future spouse…duh!

2) Be intentional!  Dating is not a casual venture; it is for marriage, period, not for *merely* having fun (though having fun is good!).  While often you can’t tell whether or not a woman is marriage material without spending considerable time with her, if the relationship is not heading in that direction, don’t waste her time.  End it.

3)  You do want to be careful, however, not to come on too strong.  During college, I once announced my intentions to a lady by telling her I wanted to pursue her in a relationship leading to marriage.  This was before the first date!  She gave me a very kind “no.”  I made the same approach to her, I believe, three more times before calling it quits.  Not surprisingly, her response didn’t change.  Even though you need to have definite intentions toward finding a spouse, best approach a woman confidently, but gently.

4) Don’t let the fear of things “not working out” paralyze you.  As Denise Morris (link: http://www.boundlessline.org/2008/03/lets-talk-abo-4.html) has said, “For guys who are interested in pursuing a girl, Nike would tell you to ‘just do it.’ I agree. Take the steps to get to know a girl, ask her out and see where it goes. Be intentional about moving forward in the relationship. Be careful with your words and actions, but don’t be paralyzed by the fear of something that might not work out in the end.”

5)  Many Christian single men complain that there are few “good women” out there.  Finding a spouse can be a challenge, but complaining won’t change anything.  Instead, branch out!  Do some social networking.  Make it a goal to at least meet 2-3 new people, both young and old (you never know: an older Christian can introduce you to your future spouse!) every week at church.  If you are invited out with a group you don’t know, go!  Do some ministry with like-minded Christians.  The more people you socialize with, the more likely your “relationship status” will change soon.

And remember, if the girls just don’t seem interested, keep going!  I’ve been there, and I know it can be discouraging.  Don’t give up!  Ask a few female friends for advice, improve, and stay in the “game.”

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The concept of a “soul mate” is firmly embedded in our culture. One Rutgers University study found that an astounding 94% of those in their 20’s identified finding a “soul mate” as being the primary requirement for marrying. The situation is no different in the church; ask the Christians dating, and you are bound to find the same thoughts all the rage.

Though you might not think that’s a big deal, there are a plethora of dangers to “soul mate-ism.,” however.

One of them is the compass we usually employ to find our soul mate. Vacillating between two extremes, we’re like the proverbial “drunk trying to mount a horse:” on one extreme, we think a certain feeling means we’ve met “the one.” Without that immediate spark, s/he is quickly ushered into the “friend zone,” never to get out. Infatuation, rather than spiritual maturity, character, and ability to handle responsibility, is what guides the compass. Again, dating Christians have this attitude as much as the non-believing singles do.

For obvious reasons, this can get you into lots of trouble. Evidence: the number of emotionally burned and bitter women. They didn’t get that way by dating a real man. Also, divorce courts are full of people who thought they met “the one,” but when the emotions died down, the freak out fit began. “My soul mate must still be out there!” Blech.

On the other extreme are those who use a long list of requirements as a litmus test for a mate. Some items on the list, like commitment to Christ, are crucial, but others indicate the person is majoring on the minors. I once met a guy who had “avid swing dancer” as one of his requirements. Seriously! His pond of choice was quite small. He is still single in his 30’s. Many Christians in the dating world expect someone with the looks of Christian Slater or Megan Fox, the profundity of a Francis Chan, the athletic ability of Tim Tebow, and the humor of Chris Rock. Throw in “arrives on a Harley motorcycle,” and that’s a tall order to fill!

Plus, who likes being compared to a list of requirements? Sure, we have a “non-negotiable checklist” when car shopping, but I am not a car. Putting me (or anyone, for that matter) up against a laundry list is quite degrading.

Christians in the dating world, I offer a challenge: find the “soul mate” concept in the Bible. Go ahead. I’ll give you all 66 books. You won’t find it because it’s not there. There is no indication that God makes “the one” just for you. There is no “one,” but there are wise and unwise decisions.

Many think that not searching for “the one” dooms a person to either being in a spark-less marriage that’s more akin to a business relationship, or to being locked into a relationship with someone s/he isn’t really compatible with.

But look at all the “legacy” couples that have been married for 40-50 years. The fire of love still burns deeply in most of these couples I know. Question them, and you’ll find that most didn’t have Handel’s chorus playing in the background during the first date, nor will you find that they each met an E-Harmony-like “compatibility” list. What keeps their fire burning is commitment: they made a vow and have learned the way of love through sacrifice.

I encourage any dating Christians to think on these things as they navigate the sometimes murky waters of the dating world.

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Rich Bordner lives in Southern California with his better half Ezichi. His primary occupation is that of husband. In his spare time, he is a high school English teacher and head wrestling coach. Did this post make you think? Then go over to The Pugnacious Irishman where you can read his daily posts on spirituality, culture, and ethics.

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