Posts Tagged ‘christians dating’
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The concept of a “soul mate” is firmly embedded in our culture. One Rutgers University study found that an astounding 94% of those in their 20’s identified finding a “soul mate” as being the primary requirement for marrying. The situation is no different in the church; ask the Christians dating, and you are bound to find the same thoughts all the rage.
Though you might not think that’s a big deal, there are a plethora of dangers to “soul mate-ism.,” however.
One of them is the compass we usually employ to find our soul mate. Vacillating between two extremes, we’re like the proverbial “drunk trying to mount a horse:” on one extreme, we think a certain feeling means we’ve met “the one.” Without that immediate spark, s/he is quickly ushered into the “friend zone,” never to get out. Infatuation, rather than spiritual maturity, character, and ability to handle responsibility, is what guides the compass. Again, dating Christians have this attitude as much as the non-believing singles do.
For obvious reasons, this can get you into lots of trouble. Evidence: the number of emotionally burned and bitter women. They didn’t get that way by dating a real man. Also, divorce courts are full of people who thought they met “the one,” but when the emotions died down, the freak out fit began. “My soul mate must still be out there!” Blech.
On the other extreme are those who use a long list of requirements as a litmus test for a mate. Some items on the list, like commitment to Christ, are crucial, but others indicate the person is majoring on the minors. I once met a guy who had “avid swing dancer” as one of his requirements. Seriously! His pond of choice was quite small. He is still single in his 30’s. Many Christians in the dating world expect someone with the looks of Christian Slater or Megan Fox, the profundity of a Francis Chan, the athletic ability of Tim Tebow, and the humor of Chris Rock. Throw in “arrives on a Harley motorcycle,” and that’s a tall order to fill!
Plus, who likes being compared to a list of requirements? Sure, we have a “non-negotiable checklist” when car shopping, but I am not a car. Putting me (or anyone, for that matter) up against a laundry list is quite degrading.
Christians in the dating world, I offer a challenge: find the “soul mate” concept in the Bible. Go ahead. I’ll give you all 66 books. You won’t find it because it’s not there. There is no indication that God makes “the one” just for you. There is no “one,” but there are wise and unwise decisions.
Many think that not searching for “the one” dooms a person to either being in a spark-less marriage that’s more akin to a business relationship, or to being locked into a relationship with someone s/he isn’t really compatible with.
But look at all the “legacy” couples that have been married for 40-50 years. The fire of love still burns deeply in most of these couples I know. Question them, and you’ll find that most didn’t have Handel’s chorus playing in the background during the first date, nor will you find that they each met an E-Harmony-like “compatibility” list. What keeps their fire burning is commitment: they made a vow and have learned the way of love through sacrifice.
I encourage any dating Christians to think on these things as they navigate the sometimes murky waters of the dating world.
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Rich Bordner lives in Southern California with his better half Ezichi. His primary occupation is that of husband. In his spare time, he is a high school English teacher and head wrestling coach. Did this post make you think? Then go over to The Pugnacious Irishman where you can read his daily posts on spirituality, culture, and ethics.